Fighting

It’s been more than a month, having and not having good news. When appears to be good news then, one day, you received an unpleasant surprise. Something is wrong. That day I decide not to be there. It looks like it’s my fault. I know it’s not. But it does not matter…something went wrong.

I lost somebody: a dear person close to me, not as close as I wish he had. I never told him how much I love him. My cousin was a very good person, I know that he wasn’t perfect, but he was an exceptional individual.

I miss him. But what I really missed was the chance to tell him how much I appreciated him. I never told him that I was proud that he was studying that the same career as me, I never told him that he was unique and admirable…I never told him I like him…I love him.

It is very sad that I was away…and that I spent a week thinking he was getting better when he was simply getting away. I just went to say good bye. I couldn’t do anything else. You had a mission and that mission was completed. Thank you.

Now, I’m distressed because there’s someone also very close to me, who was really close to not being with me. I know it’s going to take a lot of time before my grandmother gets better, but it really hurts to see her suffer.

I wasn’t around today, and she step back one little step. It wasn’t my fault but I felt guilty. Even if I have been there nothing would change. And yet, I felt bad, responsible, why I wasn’t there with her.

I want her to be better, she is the kindest person I know, I’m sad because she is sad. Her habit of carrying the problems of other as they were her own problems… She does not need my problems. Not her, not mine problems, I had to deal with them. She doesn’t need my uncles’ or aunts’ problems why is she stressing about them. It’s a bad habit that she is not going to break. It’s not got for her. But it’s not going to change.

I feel bad about her pain…which is not even entirely hers.

I want you to be better grandma. Please get better. Fight, you can do it. You are strong. You can do it. If I can help I’ll do it. But it’s up to you. And I know you can…please don’t let me down. Get better; I can’t imagine my life without you.